


Being Human

by Analphancones



Category: Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan is in Hell, Demons, M/M, Supernatural - Freeform, Vampire Phil, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 11:26:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12816510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Analphancones/pseuds/Analphancones
Summary: Dan just found out he's dead and has been reassigned as another life form to continue his existence in Hell, with Phil by his side to train him on what to do and how to do it to please the head of everything evil, Her. As the first time he feeds comes up, he's suddenly poised with the thought of how much he misses being human already, even though he's only been dead for a few hours.





	1. The Beginning

When Dan died, he figured it would be a lot more darkness. Like a state of dreaming, where you can feel what’s happening but you only snap out of it when you awake. He always thought death was the same, just instead you never wake up. He also thought it would be quicker, so much quicker, and painless no matter how it happened because in the end he’d be dead so he wouldn’t even remember the pain. 

 

He was wrong. 

 

He held his arm to his chest, feeling the elevator he was stood in slowly dropping down, further and further. The pain in his arm slowly stopped, the bones cracking back into place. He reached up, wiping his nose and the blood had stopped now. Only a few minutes ago his nose and the side of his face were bleeding and split, but as he wiped the blood off he felt the skin seal back together smoothly, on it’s own, so quickly. As he looked over himself, he noticed his chest wasn’t moving. He took a breath but couldn’t feel it, in fact, it felt like it was forced and unnecessary to do. He took a breath anyways. What’s happening, he thought. 

 

He started pacing in the elevator, at first limping, but not too long after he started the limp ceased, his leg snapping back into place. He saw bruising on his hip, lifting his torn flannel shirt to see it, the bruising fading within minutes. He was rapid healing from whatever had happened to him to get him into this elevator.

 

He didn’t know where he was, how he had gotten there, why he was there. He had none of the answers and was hoping to god he’d get one. A few more minutes passed before the machine stopped, beeping quietly and the doors opening. He closed his eyes, bracing himself for whatever he was about to see because whatever it was, he knew it wasn’t going to be pleasant. 

 

Slowly he opened his eyes, one at a time before they flew open wide, staring. It was all in flames, mountainous terrain surrounding him for miles and miles to see. There were people too, people who didn’t look like people, and people who looked too normal to even be here. People who had skin peeling from their faces, hair falling from their head. People eating raw meat, covered and soaked in blood and torn clothing, and people who had all their meat fall from the bones, leaving them as walking skeletons. Then, a man normal as any other popped up in front of him, smiling. His eyes flashed open, crimson and then blue as the ocean in a split second. 

 

“You’re Dan?” His voice spoke. He had an accent, british. His voice and way he spoke suddenly helped calm Dan, the knowledge this man had come from the same place he had was comforting among his fear. 

 

“Yes.” He spoke softly, nervously. “Where am I?” 

 

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions.” He reached out a hand, helping Dan step onto the red asphalt ground. “I’m Phil, and this lovely place here, well, this is Hell.” 

 

“Wait wait what.” Dan’s jaw dropped, his mouth hung agape. “I’m in Hell? But I’m not dead.” 

 

“Well..walk with me.” Phil sighed, starting to walk. From his back pocket he grabbed a piece of paper, looking over it and sighing softly. “You were hit by a bus. Ran across trying to catch the very same bus that hit you.” He tsked, chuckling and whistling. “What a way to go.” 

 

“Oh god..I was going to see Lucas.” He groaned softly. “And now I’m fucking dead?” 

 

“It would seem so yes.” Phil nodded. 

 

“So why am I in Hell? What’s going to happen to me? Am I damned for eternity?” Dan flooded with panic and worry. 

 

“No no no. Calm down and let me talk.” Phil shook his head, sighing in exasperation. “So the thing is, Hell is very different to humans than what it actually is. See when you’re righteous and virtuous you end up in heaven with God. God is an asshole who likes sucking the fun out of everything, but since humans believe he’s the good guy, when they live by his laws they end up with him. When you’re a sinner, you live down here after death. You aren’t tortured or hurt or anything, you’re just with your own kind.” Phil shrugged. 

 

“My own kind..?” 

 

“Let me explain that better.” Phil stopped walking, smiling. “When I died, my father killed me. He found out I had been sleeping with one of his work friends. I was 17, and my father was massively homophobic and a drunk. He smashed a bottle and ripped me open in the kitchen with any sharp object he could grab, ashamed his son was gay. When you died Him and Her passed judgment on you, and due to you being gay, and that fact alone everything else disregarded, you ended up here.” 

 

“Him and Her?” Dan wrinkled his brow. 

 

“Him, God. Her, Lucifer.” 

 

“I thought the devil was a male?” Dan asked. 

 

“Everyone does until they meet Her.” Phil chuckled softly. 

 

“How are..you so okay with being dead? Having been brutally murdered like that?” 

 

“Because I like it here more than I ever did on Earth.” He shrugged. “Here after death, we get reassigned by Her.” He explained. 

 

“Reassigned?” 

 

“Yeah. I have yours right here.” He opened up the folded piece of paper, smiling at Dan before stuffing it back in his pocket. “See Lucy can’t keep us alive down here without reassigning us. God can’t keep us alive either without doing the same. God tends to either keep you as an Angel, or he reincarnates you as a baby to start life anew as reward for living so rightly in the past life. Lucy doesn’t like doing that, because most of us here are here because we hated being where we were. If we liked where we were, most of us wouldn’t have ended up here, to say the least.” 

 

“So what does she do to us when we’re...reassigned?” Dan gulped. 

 

“Well, on Earth you guys call it the supernatural. Ghosts, vampires, werewolves, shit like that.” Phil shrugged, starting to walk again. “We have different titles here but I’ll explain it to you in human terms first.” 

 

“What are you?” Dan asked. 

 

“I guess in terms you’re used too..I’m sort of a vampire.” He nodded, looking over at Dan who had a look of disbelief. 

 

“See, human beings see creatures like us from time to time when we venture to Earth. Thankfully most no one believes them, but writers use us as inspiration for their work. Every fictional story you’ve read about the supernatural has some truth to it.” 

 

“How does she choose what you become?” 

 

“Honestly, she does it at random.” Phil chuckled. 

 

“So you drink blood? Live forever?” 

 

“All of us here stay the same age we were when we died. Forever. And it’s not drinking blood like everyone thinks, that’s only if we want to. The hunger we have is for souls, we’re like..a cross between what you guys see as vampires and grim reapers I guess.” he explained. 

 

“How long have you been here?” 

 

“Since 1972.” He said solemnly, walking into a room and holding the door open for Dan. He sat him at a table, sitting by him and pushing back in the metal chair, his foot on the table. 

 

“Am I one of you?” 

 

“Oh god no.” Phil chuckled. “Lucy has other plans for you. I’m just welcoming committee.” at that, Dan gulped. 

 

After a few moments, the door pushed open. Dan slowly looked up from red heels, ripped up fishnets held together by safety pins, a short red dress cut off mid thighs on a thin and curvy figure, firey red hair starting from collarbones and leading up to the top of her roots. Her eyes were deep crimson, flashing bright like Phil’s had earlier. Her lips were painted ruby, plump and seductive. Dan knew instantly this was her. 

 

“Daniel Howell.” She smiled, sitting down on the table, crossing her legs and pulling up her dress a little to expose skin. Dan gulped. She was hot as hell, everything about her made his blood heat. “Philly you brought me one who likes women, I thought his file said he was gay?” 

 

“Bisexual.” Dan murmured and she chuckled, nodding and ruffling his hair, crimson nails scratching his cheek lighting as she pulled away her hand. 

 

“Same thing, I suppose.” She smiled. “Either way you end up here.”

 

“Danny here seems pretty curious about his reassignment.” Phil piped up, smirking at her. 

 

“Aren’t they all at first?” She hummed, reaching over and snapping, a large black file popping into her thin hand. “Mhm…” She flipped through it, smiling softly at the pages. “When you were 14 you had sex with your sister’s best friend..a gay boy named Michael due to die on...12/13/27. Only 10 more years until he’s here with you, can’t wait.” She smiled. “When you were 16 you had sex with a male for the first name, a man 7 years older than you due to die-” 

 

“Please stop telling me when my past lovers are going to die.” Dan blurted. She bit her lip to hide a giggle. 

 

“Sorry. I just love the drama of past lovers ending up here together for eternity. In three years Philly here’s daddy will be here, the man who sent him here to begin with. I’m so excited.” She squealed. 

 

“We get it Lucy, you’re one cold hearted bitch.” Phil chuckled. “Now give the boy his assignment so I can show him the ropes.” 

 

“Dan Howell you are being reassigned as a Ghoul.” She smiled. 

 

“What’s that?” He asked curiously. 

 

“In human terms, it’d be like a zombie I guess.” Phil explained. 

 

“So..like rotting flesh eating brains? Really?” he asked in disbelief. 

 

“Nothing like that.” Lucy laughed. “Ghouls are the keepers of knowledge around here I guess. In feeding, they collect memories, knowledge, feelings. They collect everything ever stored in the brain of someone who has passed. Essentially, you store the knowledge of those who end up here by feeding from their bodies once they’ve been buried.” 

 

“So...when someone dies, if they’re on my..” 

 

“Quota. It’s like a list.” Phil smiled. 

 

“Right. So when someone dies and they pop up onto my list, I have to eat their brain in order to store their life’s knowledge?” 

 

“As well as keep your form and soul here, yes.” 

 

“And if I refuse?” 

 

“You cease to exist. Phil here will gladly swallow up your soul and remove your existence from everywhere entirely, forever.” lucy snapped the file shut, pulling her lips into a forced grin. “Phil will explain the rest.” She said,making her leave. 

 

Phil turned to him, chuckling softly. “Isn’t she great?” He smiled. “Alright. Time to explain the details. You can switch into your form from when you were alive any time. Neither of us have the ability to change from any form but our human one, and our one here.” 

 

“Wait..do I look different here than I did when I was alive?” Dan asked and Phil rolled his eyes, pulling a mirror from his pocket. “Every ghoul asks that.” 

 

Dan looked over himself in the small mirror, his eyes wide. The under of his eyes were purple and black, dark heavy bags. The rim was red though, even the red in his eyes seemed darker and more coarse. His hair was stark white, whereas it used to be brown it now laid dead and white. Thankfully it was still rooted and not falling out like some here had. His skin was whiter too, the only color was from his veins which were now prominent in covering every inch of white skin in long thin lines like vines. 

 

“I look dead.” 

 

“You are dead.” 

 

“You look so alive though!” Dan whined, throwing down the mirror. 

 

“Yeah well, part of being a Xander is that we retain our past forms forever.” He rolled his eyes. “We look the same here as we do on earth. You my friend were not so lucky. Luckily for you though, you’re still very cute.” he winked, chuckling. 

“When do I get to go back to Earth?” 

 

“When you need to feed or when you just wanna chill. Only thing is there are rules. No going where folk know you until a century passes, no feeding off the living in places where you’re a risk of being caught, and under no circumstance can you talk to someone you knew when you were alive.” 

 

“What happens if a rule is broken?” Dan asked. 

 

“I consume your soul, like she said.” Phil nodded. 

 

Dan took a deep breath. “I’m hungry.” he said. 

 

“Me too.” Phil grinned widely, getting up out of his chair and clapping. “Alright newbie. Let me show you my favorite feeding tactic. It’s called Meals on Heels.” 

 

“What does that mean?” 

 

“It means I know two guys due to die in a wreck in.” He looked at his watch. “6 hours, and before those six hours are up, they’re definitely not going to complain if they get laid in their final hours.” 

 

“So you want me to fuck someone a few hours before they die and then feed off them?” He laughed softly, standing up. 

 

“Yes I do actually. Danny they’re going to die anyways, I’m horny and hungry, and I’m stuck training you for 6 months so you better get real used to me ‘cause I’m your best friend for a while, and your only friend, and most importantly, your wing man and feed man.” 

 

“So what do I do?”

 

“Pick one to fuck, eat both of their brains once they’re dead, and I get to consume their souls. Well, only one of them. The other will end up here. It won’t be awkward though, he’s not going to be living like us.” 

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

“What I mean, Danny.” Phil smirked, leading Dan back to the elevator now as they spoke. “Is that this man lived an awful, awful life, and Lucy has many plans for his reassignment once he’s here.” 

 

“Why would you want to sleep with someone so awful?” Dan asked, getting into the elevator with Phil. 

 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Phil smirked, falling into silence. 

 

As the elevator went up, Dan could feel his face getting chubbier, back to how it was when he was alive. Looking at his arms his skin darkened, his eyes focused back to normal, his hair even faded back brown. Automatically as he got to Earth, his form went back to how he looked when he was human, and as the elevator opened behind a trash can in a dark brick walled alley, Dan suddenly wished he was human still. Looking human, he didn’t feel human. He missed being human already.


	2. Pt 2

It was dark, behind some buildings in the pitch black he could still see so clearly. He could feel the blood down his chin, he felt like a monster as he ripped into the skull of this man, a man hours ago he had been so intimate with. He ripped in, his nails and thumbs bursting the man’s skull open and exposing what Dan hungered so strongly for. As he bit in he could feel his final thoughts, his final orgasm ripped through Dan, every nerve twitching as he felt what this man felt. He kept eating, seeing memories of a husband that left, memories of children he had left abused and fallen, countless lovers he had ditched out on over the years. 

 

He felt so inhuman, so filthy and rotten as he ate every bit he could. Nothing had ever tasted, or felt, so fucking good to him. Something so disgusting, so thick, so animalistic as ripping open a man’s skull and dining on the core of his life, his brain, made him feel so good. Dan closed his eyes, moaning at the enjoyable taste, his teeth grinding the pink grey-matter into a paste before swallowing it down. It was satisfying, so delicious, so erotic. It was a pleasure Dan had never felt before in his life, and now could only get in death. Yet still, it felt wrong. He felt wrong doing it. He couldn’t decide if it was worth it or not. Not that he had a choice, either though. 

 

Phil was busy doing his part, his lips pressed into the lifeless man Dan had already devoured the last remains of. Phil’s eyes glowed red in the dark, Dan assumed his were probably doing the same as he fed. White wisp flew from the deceased mouth and into Phil’s. He moaned, Dan knew as he chewed that the hunger of his teacher was just as satisfied then as his own was. Dan wondered if it was the same orgasmic pleasure he was getting. The wisp stopped, Phil licking his lips slowly, sensually as his eyes went back to blue, looking over at Dan. 

 

“If you think you’re coming in your pants from that meal, wait until you get to eat someone whose life had worth.” He smirked softly. Dan wiped his mouth, seeing blood on his hand and licking it off slowly. 

 

“You ever feel..like an animal for being like this?” Dan asked, swallowing the last bit he had. 

 

“When I first started, I felt a lot of guilt for it, yeah.” he nodded, sitting back and resting an arm over his knee. “It subsided after a few years..I mean. I’ve been doing this for over 20 years now.” 

 

“Do you ever miss being human?” 

 

“Yeah, yeah I do.” Phil nodded slowly. “I was engaged...to the man I was killed over. Once I was 18 we were going to try and get married, or at least as close to it as we could. This was so long ago..I don’t even think gay marriage was legal yet.” He chuckled softly. He looked up, the moonlight being shone through now that the clouds had passed by. “Here I am now, 44 years later dragging bodies from wreckage and consuming souls.” 

 

“You died at 17?” 

 

“Yup.” Phil nodded, chuckling again. “You died at 19. Is there much difference?” 

 

“I’m older than you, technically.” 

 

“That is not true.” Phil laughed. “I’m over 50.” 

 

“Sure don’t look it.” He smirked. 

 

“Thanks.” Phil rolled his eyes, smiling at him. “What’s with all the questions anyways?” 

 

“Don’t you ever wish you had been..righteous and granted life again?” 

 

“I used to. Then..I realized how we down here keep the balance more so than god ever did. Some may say that’s punishment but I’m not sure. We make sure those who are too bad for Him or Her are gone, we store everything there ever was to know in our kind, we keep peace between the three worlds. We keep everything collected. I think..I think I like being like this just so I can help out. I do more here to help the world than I ever did on Earth, or ever would have.” Phil said softly. 

 

“What about being human do you miss?” Dan asked, to which Phil just grinned. 

 

“So many things. I miss seeing a person without knowing the exact date they’re going to die lingering over their head. I miss being able to eat food. I would kill to have a burger and actually taste it. Ghouls can’t eat food either, so you’ll understand soon enough. I miss being able to be in love…” he trailed off slowly. “Here when we fall in love if it’s not with someone of our kind, it’s forbidden. We can bed humans, but love them? Nah. Who knew sin existed even in Hell?” Phil chuckled sadly, solemnly. 

 

“Can your kind reproduce?” 

 

“Our kind.” Phil corrected. “Short answer, yes. With humans and demons alike.” He nodded. “See, we aren’t allowed to mess with the natural balance of life and death. Your time comes eventually, and we can’t make it sooner or later, it has to happen when it’s set to happen. So sometimes when we’re short handed down here, what with the Earth getting so over populated so quickly, Lucy let’s us have a sort of..mating season. She’ll pick a breed where we’re short handed and bed them, birthing more full blood demons. Then occasionally, two of our kind will have a child on their own without her DNA, and we get a whole new breed. Some are powerful and Lucy keeps around, some she kills because they’re of no use to her.” 

 

“She’s..killed our kinds kin?” Phil nodded. 

 

“Yeah. Like once right? A Body Jumper and a Xander had a baby. Now a body jumper, they basically can take over the deads bodies and move freely inside them in their form for 72 hours after their death, this helps us cover up a lot of accidental human killings we cause, or move bodies so others can feed without suspicion. Stuff like that. Thing is though, a Xander is a soul eater, someone who feeds off the life force of what used to be, IE me.” He raised his hand. “Lucy at first thought this combination was fantastic, it had been in the past several times. This time however, the jumping xander decided that he could save souls by body jumping, so right as he fed, if he would jump back into their body he could give their soul back. He basically was trying to extend lives, which is illegal down here. And so when he was only a few years old, maybe 13-ish, he was killed for the crime of extending lives that were meant to end.” 

 

“Oh wow.” Dan whistled quietly, shaking his head. “How many jumping xanders are there?” 

 

“A few.” Phil said softly. “Lucy treats them like shit though over what happened with Keelan. He was so young..just wanted to save lives. He was more human than I ever was, and unlike him I was alive at one point.” 

 

“Are the born demons more powerful than us?” 

 

“No, not particularly. They just have a harder time understanding balance around here because they never had a human side like their parents or like us.” Phil explained, standing up. “Alright twenty questions. We gotta get going.” 

 

“Where we going?” Dan asked, standing up and wiping his mouth on his shirt.

 

“Back down, unfortunately. We need to get you changed into something different, and you need to report to Lucy.” 

 

“What am I supposed to tell Her?” Dan asked confusedly. Phil pursed his lips, shaking his head before grinning. 

 

“Come on.” he chuckled, leading Dan back to the hole they came out f and into the elevator that tumbled down a lot faster than it had when Dan was first on it. They stepped out, walking through the path between there and where they last saw Lucy. 

 

Dan walked into the room, past a white door Phil pointed to and into a red hot office. He looked at his arms, the paleness was back and once again he felt inhuman and wrong, like filth. He stepped inside and shut the door behind him, seeing Lucy lip locked with a woman with the same white skin and hair like Dan’s. He guessed she was also a Ghoul, but why she was tongue tied and lip locked with the devil, he had no idea. 

 

Lucy let go of her, stroking her cheek with her thumb and licking her smeared lips. The girl bowed half way, smiling and walking out quickly. Lucy motioned for Dan to come over, his steps towards her slow and tentative. She smiled, cupping his cheeks and leaning down, kissing him. 

 

He felt her inside his head, she was seeing all he had seen, tasting and feeling and experiencing both men’s lives just as Dan did only hours ago. He could feel her seeing it all through his brain, but none of it left his, it just copied to hers. Dan assumed she had to have a spare copy of what he collected for herself, in case something were to happen to him. It felt odd, to share this with another person. Then he remembered, she wasn’t a person. 

 

She pulled away, wiping her lips and smearing her lipstick even further, smiling. “I always love being liplocked with a Ghoul.” She said, and Dan couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic or not but either way it made him uncomfortable and uneasy. 

 

“Is that all?” 

 

“Until tomorrow. Today was easy, tomorrow over 600 people are due to die in Europe alone. Between you and nine other Ghouls, you only have to get 60 of those each, that is if my math is correct. I was never very good at numbers.” She chuckled. “Now listen. That may seem like a lot but once you start feeding it won’t feel like enough. 60 seems like too much but that will seem like nothing if you let hunger take over. And remember. Never. Ever. End a life before it’s their time. I don’t care how hungry you are. Phil will help you with your self control, it’ll be weak for some time yet.” 

 

“Yes, ma’am.” Dan gulped, nodding. The way she spoke of this hunger he’d have towards humans made him feel like a monster. He hated this so much. He wished he had never died. Usually, when something awful and terrible happens to someone they wish they were dead. In Dan’s case, he wished he had looked both ways when crossing the day before. He wished he was still breathing. Still eating cereal in the mornings with his best friend and still drinking coffee at lunch and going to university and being a teenager. He wished he was alive more than anything. 

 

“Good. Now be on your way.” She smiled, sitting down and watching him leave. He slowly left, walking out and wandering around to find Phil. he found a hallway with several doors, some open, some shut, some with obscene noises coming from beyond them. Some had screaming, some had blood from under, and then one, finally, was wide open with Phil sat at a table with some other people. 

 

“Danny!” Phil cheered, smirking and motioning for him to come over. Dan walked over to him, standing next to him and looking around the table. They were playing poker. “Danny lemme teach you about bets here. At this table there are two xanders and two ghouls, three of both with us included. Whoever loses has to pick up our quota tomorrow, we’re doing this in teams. Ghoul and Xander teams playing against each other. If we win, we have a day off tomorrow and we don’t gotta work.” 

 

“I’m in.” Dan said, pulling up a chair and sitting next to Dan. 

 

“Gonna introduce the newbie?” a ghoul asked. 

 

“This is Dan. Dan this is Tyler, Louise, Chris, and Joshua.” 

 

“Hi.” Dan said awkwardly and looked at the cards Phil was holding. “Alright. Let’s get this game started. I don’t wanna eat 60 people tomorrow.” 

 

“I don’t wanna eat 120 so let’s hope your hand is shit.” Joshua smirked. And thus, the game began. And as bets were being made, cards drawn, and people groaned in anger all over who had to cover whose shift of eating souls and brains, once again, Dan found himself missing being human.


End file.
